You know what might be more embarrassing than the shit shown at E3? Gamers talking about the shit shown at E3. Endless debates over who “won” (it’s a fucking giant advertising event for expensive and completely impractical toys; nobody who isn’t heavily invested in like five giant companies wins at all) compete with silly retrospectives over booth babes (beautifully skewered at RPS, btw) and gamers everywhere get to spend weeks reveling in their own collective nerdry, and everyone else wonders why they should care.
But, leave it to Screw Attack, a site that specializes in vids made by embarrassing gamers for embarrassing gamers, to bring us the one video that best (if most unintenionally) summarizes E3 for all.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is the Top 5 best and worst of E3 2011. So, let’s break down some of what we saw in this little video, shall we?
Well, the video starts off with a shot of some booth babes, so we probably already know what we are getting into. But just in case you don’t, here’s each item on both lists, with some commentary:
#5: Oh wow, a full orchestra plays some Zelda songs! This is so amazing! Obviously never been done before (except on some of the Zelda soundtracks and in various other contexts), and completely amazing as…what exactly? Sure, it’s nice music and all, but, um, so what? But apparently, it was “emotional”. What the fuck is wrong with gamers?
#4: EA snubs Bobby Kotick (of competitor Activision) from playing the demo of Battlefield 3. Why the fuck does anyone care about this? Does it make IT news when Bill Gates won’t let Steve Jobs fuck around on a Windows 8 demo? No, because it doesn’t fucking matter. Companies are protective of their IP from competitors. This is basic capitalism, and not something gamers (who get screwed by basic capitalism in so many ways) should be excited about. Certainly not “hi-larious” as the Screw Attack commenter claims.
#3: Thought we could get away on this list without booth babes? Think again! The THQ Saints Row 3 Car Wash is apparently one of the best things about E3. Remember, this has nothing to do with video games at all aside from a cheap promotion, and this particular group of gamers lapped up that cheap objectification of women as eye candy eagerly, and wanted more.
#2: Sony kissing ass after the PSN hack. Wow, this should not be a highlight at all. Sony president comes out and sucks up to a bunch of journalists by telling them they are “the lifeblood of the company”. I don’t think he actually grasps how true that whole statement is. You know what would be a highlight? Sony not letting my (and millions of other people’s) information get hacked off of their incompetently secured servers. Yeah, that would be a highlight, but instead sucking up to the sycophantic “games journalism” industry is supposedly “extremely classy”.
#1: The Wii U being “designed for hardcore gamers” by being “revolutionary”. Holy shit, I didn’t think people actually fell for PR this hard. First, the controls aren’t revolutionary at all. It’s a tablet controller that makes the home console into what amounts to a giant DS, but with your TV as one of the screens. Secondly, the appeal to “hardcore gamers” was showing a bunch of games that will be released on other systems BEFORE THE WII U ITSELF IS RELEASED. Think about this for a second: The Wii U’s big selling point to hardcore gamers is that it will play year-old ports of games that come out for systems they probably already have. And this is exciting? What the fuck is wrong with people? This is pretty much proof positive that if you put enough marketing and the right names behind anything, gamers will lap that shit up like thirsty desert dogs at an oasis.
Oh, but if you thought the “Best” list was bad, the “Worst” list should bring your expectations for future Screw Attack content down even further.
#5: Oh HA HA the Kinect actors are not so good at fake playing Kinect! THIS IS SO FUNNY. You know what is funny? That you are analyzing the performance of what amounts to little more than a live advertisement like it matters at all. And I am analyzing your analysis of it…oh no, staring into the abyss. Oh hey, and they advertised a football game, which of course gets a lot of gamers all into a tizzy because they don’t want those dreaded jock stereotypes from high school invading their playland (and note how the commenter in the vid tries hard to dismiss said jocks and “graymers”, ugh).
#4: Halo 4 gets announced, and this guy gets mad about not “finishing the fight” in 3, except that, you know, you actually did finish the fight of the Halo universe in 3, but that would mean his cheap little joke would need a rewrite, and that is no good. Yes, MS is milking Halo, just like Nintendo milks basically everything they have. Though he briefly brings the big N, he says that since Nintendo never marketed Zelda as being “done”, they are OK. Let’s note that Halo 3 was not marketed as the end of the Halo series (Bungie announced there would be more games in the series before 3 was put out), just the story that infamously ended with a cliffhanger in Halo 2. Also note that 3 more games have indeed come out since then. Yeah, saying you are making a bunch more Halo games isn’t the most original thing, but at least MS is acknowledging that they plan on milking it as much as possible, as opposed to Nintendo/Activision/etc., who want us all to believe they aren’t just going to keep pumping out franchise games as much as possible. Final note: “milking the Chief’s tits dry”? Really?
#3: OH SHIT THIS GUY CAN’T SAY TOM CLANCY! THIS IS TERRIBLE! Oh god, fuck off, gamer nerd. Because of this, he “sucks my balls”. Thanks shitty nerd humor.
#2: The PSVita uses AT&T, which some people boo at. “How do you get booed at your own press conference?” might be the most important question this gamer ever has asked, though I’m sure he doesn’t get why. But really, it’s a valid question. When you fill an auditorium with hundreds of people who you are basically paying to be there (through any number of “perks”) and who you are spoon feeding the info to that they use to make a living, you might get a little pissed off it they boo you. I could easily imagine some Sony Exec flipping out at that moment, yelling “Fuck you, you little shits, I have bought your enthusiasm with cold, hard cash so shut the hell up!” Such is the sycophantic nature of the “game journalism” industry. News, indeed.
#1; The Wii U! Why call it the Wii? Oh, I don’t know, maybe because the Wii sold ridiculously well, and Nintendo (being a capitalist business, not that there is anything wrong with that) wants to rely on brand recognition (something they do constantly, though this guy hates that much less than when MS does it) to make a SHITTON of money, again! Oh, “hardcore gamers” don’t like the Wii? You know what, Mr. Gamer, Nintendo doesn’t really care. They don’t. Most of those gamers bought a Wii anyway, because where else will you play Zelda, a series no “hardcore gamer” can be without. And most of those same gamers will buy a Wii U, even if it was called the Nintendo Holy Shit Gamers Are Idiots Ha Ha Ha.
Oh, but he ends by saying this is all a joke, as if that excuses being an idiot. So yes, if you ever thought Screw Attack or E3 could yield anything intelligent, I’m sorry.